Parenting Confident Children

Children and teens today face an overwhelming amount of information, experiences, and challenges. Self-confidence helps them cope with all of it. As a parent, it's natural to want to shield our kids from stress and keep them safe. But just as important is helping them build the skills to navigate life's complexities on their own — so that long after they've left home, they're ready to thrive.

What Is Confidence, and Why Does It Matter?

Self-confidence is a sense of trust in your own abilities, judgment, and capacity to meet the demands placed on you (American Psychological Association [APA], 2022). A confident child can approach new or overwhelming tasks because they believe they'll be able to handle whatever comes up. Confidence shapes children academically, socially, and emotionally.

You've probably also heard the terms self-esteem and self-concept, which are related but not quite the same thing. Self-concept is the broader set of thoughts and beliefs someone holds about themselves (Davis-Kean & Sandler, 2001). Self-esteem is more about how satisfied a person feels with themselves — how much they value themselves and how positively or negatively they view who they are (Davis-Kean & Sandler, 2001; Baumeister et al., 2003).

Self-esteem tends to be self-reinforcing: people with high self-esteem generally see themselves favorably, while those with low self-esteem tend to see themselves unfavorably — and these beliefs can become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy (Baumeister et al., 2003). Research links high self-esteem to greater perseverance in the face of failure and to greater overall happiness; people with high self-esteem are significantly happier and less prone to depression (Baumeister et al., 2003). A positive sense of self is also connected to greater life satisfaction and well-being (Bracken & Lamprecht, 2003).

How Can I Promote Confidence in My Child?

Here are several evidence-informed strategies parents can use to nurture self-esteem and self-confidence in children and teens.

Praise Effort, Not Outcomes

When parents praise effort rather than results, kids learn that their worth isn't tied to outward achievement. For a child who struggles with social anxiety, for example, simply showing up to a party can be a real accomplishment — even if they still feel anxious once they're there. Praising the effort helps the child recognize their own capability, regardless of the outcome. Try something like, "You went to the party even though you were nervous. That shows courage."

Encourage Healthy Habits

Good sleep and nutrition are foundational to healthy development. One study found that children with better nutrition showed higher self-confidence, along with other benefits (Barrett & Radke-Yarrow, 1985). Sleep matters too — research links adequate sleep to greater optimism in children, and more sleep has been shown to predict higher self-esteem in teens (Lemola et al., 2013). A consistent bedtime and wind-down routine can go a long way toward supporting healthy sleep.

Promote Positive Self-Talk

The way we talk to ourselves matters. Self-talk — the things we say to ourselves, out loud or silently — shapes our beliefs, feelings, and behavior, whether we realize it or not (Beck, 2011). When you voice positive self-statements out loud, you model for your child how to be their own best cheerleader. You might say, "This puzzle is hard, but I know if I keep trying, I'll figure it out." With older children and teens, you can encourage them to develop their own version of this by asking, "What would someone who loves you say to you right now?" during a tough moment.

Model Confidence

Children learn largely through observation, so let them see you try new things. Acknowledging your own nerves or uncertainty while still moving forward confidently sets a powerful example. Confidence isn't the absence of fear — it's being willing to try, even when you're not sure how things will turn out.

Provide Supported Opportunities to Try New Things

Confidence only grows when we stretch beyond what's familiar. Every child has a set of tasks they can already handle independently — the way to expand that set is by tackling new, challenging tasks with support from someone more experienced. Once a child masters something that once felt difficult, their sense of what they can do on their own grows too. This idea connects to psychologist Lev Vygotsky's concept of the "zone of proximal development," which has shaped a great deal of research and practice around effective learning (Eun, 2019).

Help Children Pursue Their Interests

As kids grow into adolescents, they start discovering what genuinely interests them and trying on different identities. Exploring these interests helps them understand themselves better — and that clearer sense of self tends to go hand in hand with greater confidence.

Teach Self-Compassion

Self-compassion means being open to your own experiences, treating yourself kindly, and approaching yourself without harsh judgment (Neff et al., 2005). Unlike self-esteem, it isn't tied to performance — it's about kindness toward yourself regardless of how things go. Research shows that people with greater self-compassion feel more confident in their ability to learn new things, worry less about failing, and are more likely to keep going after a setback (Neff et al., 2005). You can help build this in your child by encouraging them to notice how they feel after a mistake, then offering a kind reframe — something like, "I'm only human. Everyone makes mistakes."

Communicate Love, Validate Feelings, and Embrace Emotion

Children naturally turn to their parents and caregivers for comfort, especially when they feel vulnerable. Consistent care and support teaches them that someone will be there when they need it — which, in turn, gives them the security to go out and take healthy risks. Reminding your child that you love them no matter what helps them feel both safe and confident. And when they share their feelings, helping them name and validate those emotions builds greater self-understanding.

How Do I Know If My Child Needs Additional Support?

Some children seem naturally confident, while others may benefit from extra support — whether through opportunities at home and school, or through counseling — to build and maintain their confidence. This kind of support can be especially helpful if low confidence is holding your child back or causing them real distress, such as feeling overwhelmed in social situations, during performances, or when facing new challenges.

In these moments, children sometimes overestimate how much attention others are actually paying to them. This is a very human tendency — most people are somewhat preoccupied with how they're perceived, and tend to overestimate how closely others are watching. Psychologists actually have a name for this: the spotlight effect (Gilovich et al., 2000).

Therapy can help your child learn concrete strategies for working through these biased thought patterns and build lasting confidence. If you're unsure whether therapy would help, many providers offer a brief, free consultation to explore fit. Ideally, a therapist will work with both you and your child to understand the full picture and build an individualized treatment plan. Sessions typically combine conversation with targeted activities to build skills and address whatever's contributing to your child's confidence struggles, along with homework to practice between sessions. Throughout treatment, your therapist will track progress and adjust the plan as needed.

References

American Psychological Association. (2022). APA dictionary of psychology: Self-confidence. https://dictionary.apa.org/self-confidence

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1–44. https://doi.org/10.1111/1529-1006.01431

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Bracken, B. A., & Lamprecht, M. S. (2003). Positive self-concept: An equal opportunity construct. School Psychology Quarterly, 18(2), 103–121. https://doi.org/10.1521/scpq.18.2.103.21859

Brown, M., Brown, P., & Bibby, T. (2008). "I would rather die": Reasons given by 16-year-olds for not continuing their study of mathematics. Research in Mathematics Education, 10, 3–18. https://doi.org/10.1080/14794800801915814

Davis-Kean, P. E., & Sandler, H. M. (2001). A meta-analysis of measures of self-esteem for young children: A framework for future measures. Child Development, 72(3), 887–906. http://www.jstor.org/stable/1132462

Barrett, D. E., & Radke-Yarrow, M. (1985). Effects of nutritional supplementation on children's responses to novel, frustrating, and competitive situations. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 42(1), 102–120. https://doi.org/10.1093/ajcn/42.1.102

Eun, B. (2019). The zone of proximal development as an overarching concept: A framework for synthesizing Vygotsky's theories. Educational Philosophy and Theory, 51(1), 18–30. https://doi.org/10.1080/00131857.2017.1421941

Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one's own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.211

Lemola, S., Räikkönen, K., Gomez, V., & Allemand, M. (2013). Optimism and self-esteem are related to sleep. Results from a large community-based sample. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 20(4), 567–571. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12529-012-9272-z

Neff, K. D., Hsieh, Y.-P., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4(3), 263–287. https://doi.org/10.1080/13576500444000317

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2005). Attachment security, compassion, and altruism. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(1), 34–38. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0963-7214.2005.00330.x